Merlin fic: Hullabaloo (1/1)

[dk323]

Title: Hullabaloo
Author: dk323
Rating: PG
Characters/Pairings: Merlin/Arthur & hints of Merlin/Morgana, Ninth Doctor, Rose
Spoilers: Merlin – 2x07 redo
Doctor Who – Series 1, before they meet Jack in “The Empty Child”
Disclaimer: The show Merlin is property of the BBC. Doctor Who is property of the BBC and Russell T. Davies. No money is being made.
Summary: The lost version of this episode. Wherein Merlin cracks (well, just a little bit) and propositions Morgana (it’s not what you think). And Arthur doesn’t have all day (he likes shiny things, too).

Oh, and the Doctor decides to take Rose to see Camelot. That’s kind of important, I guess. *cough*

Author’s Notes: This is the crack! version (didn’t think it possible? Well, here it is) of "The Witchfinder" episode that was unfortunately left on the cutting room floor because the writers wanted angst and lots of it.

Hence, the version leeched of all that silly angst. Who needs it?

~ * ~

So it happened like this: Merlin did conjure the smoke horse and he was found out by the random woman wandering the area (what the hell?) looking for toad princes or something. I don’t EVEN know.

 

Anyway, so the woman cried wolf and asked Merlin how he could not see the evil, vile smoke horse bent on destroying Camelot. Whatever. Merlin thought she was an escapee from the local asylum, too.

 

Merlin denies seeing anything and, of course, it means nothing that he was the only person in the near vicinity and therefore, you know, the likeliest to have conjured it.

 

But the woman is not all that smart and just finds it a quaint coincidence that he was there. And really, come on – Merlin can not be a sorcerer.

 

That’s just silly.

 

Just ask Arthur “Merlin?? You can’t be serious!” Pendragon.

 

When the toad prince-hunting woman takes her leave to tell the king that “the sky is falling!” and all that fun stuff, Merlin decides that he’s about had enough.

 

He grins the sort of grin you see on a person before they do something incredibly stupid.

 

Or, you know, they decide to make a whole bunch of life-sized smoke horses wreak havoc on Camelot. Because, really, Merlin thinks – it’s just so embarrassing that a cute, little smoke horse would frighten someone.

 

If things were to go to hell, Merlin wanted to go about it properly. He had to keep up his reputation, you see. And one small smoke horse of cuteness wasn’t going to cut it. Might as well go out in style.

 

And anyway, the smoke horses don’t actually *hurt* anyone since they’re horses made out of smoke. So they’ll just run right through you. Like ghosts.

 

So the smoke horses of certain doom terrorize Camelot – or whatever – as King Uther decides it’s a really good time to call the Witchfinder.

 

Because yes, it’s true, everyone, Uther has a deathly fear of smoke horses.

 

Who would have thought?

 

Merlin finds this out and after some face palming, he decides it’s a really good time to hightail it out of Camelot.

 

Gaius said the Witchfinder was a nasty piece of work and then he proceeded to raise his eyebrows to new heights as he told Merlin what kind of idiot he was for doing magic like that.

 

Merlin couldn’t help it. He liked the pretty smoke horses.

 

…as one such smoke horse canters into the room and neighs.

 

Merlin grins. Gaius’ eyebrows do all the talking.

 

~ * ~

 

Interlude:

 

Arthur stared as he saw Merlin walking in the courtyard as if he didn’t find a bunch of odd smoke horses treating the area as their own personal playground to be at all peculiar. More so, Merlin appeared not in the least bit concerned at the two smoke horses – wherever they had come from – who pranced around him.

 

Merlin waved at the prince. “Oh, hi, Arthur. How are you?”

 

“You really do have a grave mental disease, don’t you, Merlin?” Arthur asked him.

 

Merlin just graced him with a ridiculous grin. One smoke horse licked Merlin’s cheek.

 

~ * ~

 

Back to the story: Merlin takes a trip to the woods to make himself scarce. He wonders how long it will take for this whole Witchfinder business to blow over.

 

He wonders if Arthur is missing him right now.

 

He also wonders if Gaius’ eyebrows would get lazy without Merlin around to raise them to epic heights.

 

He then resolves that he should really think of a plan fast because he should get back soon before the Witchfinder cries “witch!” at Morgana or something. She does have a dress (the one tried and true way of proving a person is a witch) – lots of pretty dresses – Merlin shakes his head to stop thinking about pretty dresses. So, all in all, it really was best that he smuggle Morgana out somehow… and her pretty – nevermind.

 

Or the Witchfinder could find Gaius guilty, maybe, but that wouldn’t happen.

 

That would just be silly.

 

But then Merlin heard a loud, whirring sound and out of seemingly nowhere, a tall, blue box appeared before him.

 

It said “POLICE PUBLIC CALL BOX” at the top of it – white letters over a black background. And the doors were paneled and wooden – painted a medium shade of blue. Below the big lettering, framed windows were set into the paneling all around the box.

 

A white sign on one of the doors said:

 

POLICE TELEPHONE

 

FREE

 

FOR USE OF

 

PUBLIC

 

ADVICE AND ASSISTANCE

OBTAINABLE IMMEDIATELY

 

OFFICER & CARS

RESPOND TO ALL CALLS

 

PULL TO OPEN

 

Merlin stared at the box. He walked around it to see how big it was. It wasn’t all that big – more tall than wide. He didn’t know what to make out of it.

 

Then the door opened and an older man in a black leather jacket with a blonde girl -- about Merlin's age -- who was wearing a generous amount of pink stepped out.

 

“And who are you?” The man asked him in strange --Northern?-- accent.

 

Merlin was sure he looked like a fish with his mouth open in shock – and the thought – how in the world did two people manage to fit inside a box of perceivably small size?

 

“I’m Merlin…” He finally answered.

 

The man suddenly had a big grin on his face and his eyes lit up.

 

The girl gasped and she turned to the man. “I thought he was supposed to be older,” she confided in the strange man.

 

Merlin really didn’t want to know what she meant by that.

 

The man introduced himself and the girl. “I’m the Doctor. This is my companion, Rose. Camelot is nearby, isn’t it? Sometimes, I’m a bit off, but--”

 

Merlin nodded. “Yes, uh, it’s not too far. These woods are right near Camelot. But it probably wouldn’t be best to go there right now. There’s a Witchfinder looking for those practicing magic. And with the way that box just appeared and you two came out of it…”

 

“Oh no, this isn’t magic. Advanced technology from the future. Alien technology. No worries. Want a look inside, Merlin?” The Doctor asked him, still looking rather cheerful.

 

Rose opened the door and smiling at him, she beckoned Merlin inside. The Doctor and Rose came inside after him.

 

“This has to be a kind of magic,” Merlin said, convinced after seeing how huge the inside of the box was. He was certain that there was more than just this room – with its central column and some sort of navigation platform with various levers, buttons all over it – if the opening leading out to a corridor was any indication.

 

“Suppose it is in a way. This box is really a spaceship though. The Doctor’s an alien, you see. He’s from another planet – from a far more advanced race than us humans,” Rose explained to him while the Doctor busied himself at the navigation platform, whatever it was.

 

Merlin looked at her suddenly. “So – you’re human?”

 

“Yeah, just average – no magic or anything – just a girl from your future.”

 

“Wait – if you’re from the future, then that means you’ve traveled back in time?”

 

Rose nodded slowly. “Yeah, that’s right.”

 

Merlin suddenly realized what he could do to evade the Witchfinder…

 

He decided to tell the two of them everything so they could better help him.

 

Merlin didn’t feel all that surprised when the Doctor and Rose had knowing looks on their faces when he revealed his magical nature. He had suspected from the moment that the Doctor set eyes upon him – almost like he knew something about Merlin before Merlin himself had told him.

 

He explained the situation with the Witchfinder and the need to get Morgana and himself, of course, away from Camelot until the whole situation blew over and the Witchfinder left.

 

And if the box – which he was told was called the TARDIS – could travel in time, then what better hideout to get away from the Witchfinder?

 

Really this was one of Merlin’s more brilliant plans. The Doctor agreed to it – saying he wouldn’t mind at all to take Merlin and any friend of his on a trip across time and space (Merlin really couldn’t fathom seeing real proper aliens – ones who didn’t look so human as the Doctor did – but still – it wasn’t everyday you get an opportunity to travel to places you thought were beyond imagining).

 

Before Merlin left the TARDIS to head back to the castle (to retrieve Morgana), the Doctor insisted on showing him a bit of space.

 

Merlin agreed to the quick trip and the ship’s power – according to the Doctor; it was really the vortex or the heart of the TARDIS, something – moved up and down within the central column as the ship shook signifying departure.

 

So Merlin sees a supernova, which all things considered, is very cool.

 

~ * ~

 

Interlude:

 

Arthur watched as his knights ransacked Gaius’ chambers. Aredian, the bloody Witchfinder, had gotten it into his head that Gaius had something to hide.

 

Or the Witchfinder could just be throwing a hissy fit that Merlin – the sole witness to the initial smoke horse that started this whole mess (blasted toad prince-hunting woman) – wasn’t around to accuse and all that. So, Gaius – as Merlin’s mentor – was targeted next.

 

Frankly, Arthur was glad that Merlin did a smart thing for once and snuck out of Camelot.

 

It would have been nice though if Merlin had gotten rid of all those smoke horses galloping about as if they owned the place.

 

Goddamnit, they didn’t.

 

It was really rather annoying.

 

And he had to admit that he missed Merlin just a little bit…

 

His idiot manservant who thought Arthur was blind and couldn’t bloody see that Merlin was a sorcerer.

 

Explained why he couldn’t bloody handle a sword to save his life.

 

Seriously.

 

Just then, Arthur saw some sort of bracelet or amulet – whatever – on the floor. A knight had knocked over a jar of sand (?) and the amulet had fallen amidst the sand and broken shards of glass.

 

Now you may not know this, but Arthur was inexplicably attracted to shiny pieces of jewelry. So before anyone else noticed the amulet’s existence, Arthur bent down and swiped it.

 

“Pretty,” he murmured and he pocketed the amulet.

 

So, the knights didn’t find any evidence linking Gaius to sorcery.

 

Aredian was most displeased.

 

~ * ~

 

In Morgana’s chambers:

 

“Look, Morgana. I have magic fingers,” Merlin said.

 

He demonstrated his point by conjuring a string of light to dance between his fingers.

 

Morgana just stared at him. And then, she did the last thing he had expected – she whacked him about the head.

 

“You, you! You kept it from me even after you knew I was magic as well? I can’t believe you!” She yelled at him.

 

Merlin backed away, putting up his hands in surrender. “All right, all right! I’m truly sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was planning to tell you, honest!”

 

Morgana sighed and she shook her head tiredly. “Great timing revealing this to me what with the Witchfinder about. He tried to target Gaius, but luckily, nothing came of it. I worry that I may be next.”

 

Merlin smiled at her. “Don’t worry, Morgana. I have a plan. The perfect place we could hide and there’s no chance that the Witchfinder or anyone else for that matter will find us. And then we could come back after the Witchfinder leaves.”

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“There’s a man who has this ship that could travel in time and space. No one could find us if we’re in a different time or even a different planet…” Merlin spoke with excitement.

 

Morgana couldn’t help but smile and share in his enthusiasm.

 

“What about me?”

 

Merlin turned around abruptly while Morgana appeared startled.

 

Arthur had entered the room. His arms were folded and he had an unreadable look in his eyes.

 

“Arthur…uh…I’m back?”

 

He rolled his eyes at Merlin. “Yes, I can see that.”

 

“How are you?” Merlin asked if only to fill the weird silence that descended upon the room.

 

“You should tell him, Merlin,” Morgana whispered in his ear.

 

“About you too?” Merlin whispered back.

 

“Yes,” Morgana told Merlin.

 

Arthur looked impatient. “Would you two stop whispering? Anyone would think you two are having an illicit affair. And really, I don’t know what you could possibly see in Merlin, Morgana.”

 

Merlin was affronted. “Hey! I have plenty of good qualities.”

 

Arthur raised his eyebrow.

 

“Oh yes, the things he does in bed. I can’t even think straight afterwards,” Morgana contributed, smiling smugly.

 

Arthur didn’t look happy.

 

“Anyway, uh… Arthur, Morgana and I have something to tell you. It’s big – but we’ve decided you should know, so…” Merlin trailed off, feeling suddenly too nervous to reveal his secret.

 

Arthur sighed and rubbed his forehead. “Really, Merlin. I don’t have all day. Either you tell me you’re a sorcerer or we could try this again another time.”

 

Merlin stared at him. Arthur knew? What the hell? Well, that was anticlimactic just a bit.

 

“Morgana’s magic too?” Merlin said for lack of anything better to say.

 

Arthur looked to Morgana. “Huh. I had my suspicions.”

 

Morgana just smiled pleasantly at him. “I had faith you were smarter than you looked, Arthur,” she remarked, clearly amused by the defensive look on Arthur’s face at her words.

 

“Appearances can be deceiving,” Arthur shot back. “Well,” he said, waving his hand. “Show me some magic.”

 

Morgana shook her head at Merlin. “I haven’t managed to command my magic to do what I want it to. It still happens by accident.”

 

Merlin looked at her sympathetically. “I can help you to control it, I promise you,” He told her resolutely.

 

So Merlin said a few words and made a bowl of fruit float in midair.

 

Arthur looked at the floating bowl. He looked unimpressed.

 

Merlin sighed.

 

Ungrateful prat.

 

A moment later, everything in the room – including Arthur – was floating in midair.

 

Merlin grinned at him. Arthur glared at him.

 

So Merlin directed a handful of fruit to fall on Arthur’s head.

 

Morgana couldn’t stop laughing.

 

~ * ~

 

“Morgana and I are going to leave Camelot for a little while. With the Witchfinder here, we’re not safe,” Merlin explained to Arthur.

 

The three of them were sitting at the big table, Merlin and Morgana on one side with Arthur on the other side.

 

“No, give me a day. I’ll find a way to get rid of Aredian.”

 

“How can you do that?” Morgana asked.

 

Arthur took out the amulet he had filched from Gaius’ chambers. “This is a magical amulet, I’m guessing?”

 

He shoved the amulet across the table and Merlin inspected it.

 

“Well, it’s definitely not mine. I think it might be an amulet of enchantment.”

 

Arthur looked him in the eye. “I believe Aredian planted the amulet in Gaius’ chambers so he would have reason to accuse Gaius of sorcery.”

 

Morgana gasped. “He’s nothing but a fraud, isn’t he? Using such underhanded tactics to get his quarry.”

 

“Yes,” Arthur said fervently. “And I’ve decided that if I simply plant this amulet in Aredian’s room, then he’ll be the one accused of sorcery. Then the whole matter will be dealt with.”

 

“Wait, there’s something else I could do to strengthen the case against him,” Merlin put in.

 

Arthur looked at him expectantly. “Well, what do you have in mind?”

 

Merlin grinned widely and explained.

 

~ * ~

 

Merlin sat across from the Doctor and Rose in the TARDIS’ kitchen. He had his hands wrapped around a mug of hot tea.

 

“I’m sorry, but Arthur has found a way to get rid of the Witchfinder. He needs a day to do it, so I can’t go with you two just yet.”

 

The Doctor waved his hand. “No problem. Rose and I will be back in a day then and we’ll take you along for a trip or two. Or will Morgana be coming with you?”

 

“I’m not too sure yet. I’ll let you know…” Then he looked at them, curious. “Where are you two going?”

 

Rose jumped in to explain. “A few years into the future – your future, that is. We can’t do much here with the Witchfinder about. The Doctor says there’s somethin’ worth seein’ in a few years’ time in Camelot.”

 

“What is that?” Merlin wanted to know.

 

The Doctor put in. “It’s your future. Telling you now would be giving you spoilers. So I can’t tell you, sorry.”

 

Merlin sighed. “I understand.”

 

He sipped his tea as he let the other two recount some of their adventures to him.

 

~ * ~

 

“Aredian’s dead,” Arthur announced to Merlin and Morgana.

 

This time, the three of them were in Arthur’s chambers.

 

“What happened?” Merlin asked.

 

“Father found the amulet in the Witchfinder’s room. Then Aredian started to gag and a toad came out of his mouth. Thanks to you, Merlin,” Arthur nodded at him.

 

Merlin shrugged though he looked pleased. “It was nothing. I wish I could have been there to see his face though.”

 

“You must teach me the toad trick, Merlin,” Morgana implored of him.

 

Merlin nodded to her. “Of course.”

 

“And then, Aredian – accidentally, mind you – fell upon my sword. And there was no recovery from the stab wound.”

 

Morgana looked at him incredulously. “He ‘fell upon your sword’? Really, Arthur?”

 

Arthur shrugged. “A bit clumsy, that Witchfinder. What can you do?”

 

Merlin grinned at him. The three of them laughed. All feeling more than a bit relieved that the Witchfinder was out of the picture for good.

 

~ * ~

 

Later after Morgana leaves:

 

“So that man you were talking about – the one who could travel in time and space?” Arthur brought up.

 

“Yes? I’ve promised him and his companion to go along with them for a trip,” Merlin said.

 

Arthur looked at him. “I want to go as well. I can’t have you gallivanting who knows where without someone to watch your back.”

 

“But the Doctor is more than--”

 

Arthur gave him a pointed look.

 

“Well, I was thinking of bringing Morgana along. That was when the Witchfinder was still around. They did say I could bring anyone I consider a friend though.”

 

“Then it’s all settled then. I’m coming with you. I’ll tell my father I’m going on a hunting trip and we could go.”

 

Merlin nodded. He should have known Arthur would try to get in on this. The prat really did have a problem with Merlin being away from him for any period of time.

 

Merlin thought it was sweet. In a slightly unsettling, clingy sort of way…

 

“Okay, if that’s what you want,” Merlin conceded.

 

“Oh, and Merlin?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Morgana should stay in Camelot. With all the kidnapping attempts on her, the king would not take it too well if she leaves.”

 

“Surely we could come up with a good reason for her leaving for a short time? The ship that the Doctor has – it could take us back only a few minutes after we left. No one will notice us gone.”

 

Arthur shook his head. “Morgana stays here and I’m going with you. Is that clear?”

 

“Why are you being so stubborn about this?” Merlin wondered. He felt duly frustrated at Arthur’s behavior.

 

“Because, Merlin,” Arthur intoned in exasperation.

 

And then without another word, Arthur leaned toward him and kissed him on the lips.

 

“—I want you for myself,” he said after pulling away.

 

“It won’t just be us, you realize. We have to be on our best--”

 

“Shut up, Merlin,” Arthur cut in.

 

And Arthur stood up and went over to Merlin. He kissed him again – this time more deeply and with tongue.

 

At some point, Merlin wasn’t sure when, the two of them made it to the bed.

 

~ * ~

 

Interlude:

 

“I thought he was supposed to have a beard,” Rose hissed to the Doctor.

 

Arthur turned to Merlin. “What is she on about?”

 

Merlin shook his head, not able to hold back his laughter. “You’ll get used to it. Come on.”

 

And so, Merlin tugged on Arthur’s sleeve and led him inside the TARDIS.

 

……

 

“—and you’re telling me that the fact the inside is bigger than the outside isn’t a result of magic?”

 

“No.”

 

Arthur still shook his head in disbelief. “Well then. I want to see how big this ship really is.”

 

“We’ll be right back!” Merlin told the Doctor and Rose as Arthur dragged him out of the control room.

 

And then after their thorough (sort of, they were “distracted” more than a few times) exploration of the TARDIS, the Doctor took them all to the 1940s.

 

World War II, to be exact.

 

Where they met Captain Jack Harkness.

 

But you really don’t want to know that story, do you?

 

Arthur glares at the narrator.

 

Yeah, best not.

 

~ * ~