Fic: Love of a different kind

[dk323]

 

Title: Love of a different kind
Recipient: deathsblood 
Author: dk323 
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: Arthur/Merlin, past Arthur/Gwen, Morgana
Word Count: 8,142
Warnings: None
Summary: In Arthur’s first reincarnated life, he hopes to finally have a proper relationship with Merlin. While they couldn’t be together the way they wanted in the days of Camelot, this new modern world opens up possibilities for them.

Everything is going well during their reunion until Arthur discovers that there’s one change in Merlin’s current incarnation that he can’t so easily accept.

Author's Notes: Written for deathsblood for glomp_fest. Prompts used were: canon AU (which ventures into reincarnation fic, but the setting is mostly in a palace atmosphere, so yeah...), pining, love potions, do-it-overs and some angst. A big thank you to a8c_sock  for the beta and for her helpful advice. I appreciate it. :-)

I hope you enjoy this story!

Disclaimer: The characters depicted herein belong to Shine and BBC.  The name Nathan Young and his physical appearance, Irish accent & immortality are thanks to the TV show, "Misfits." The idea of the wizarding world is, of course, from the Harry Potter book series. The existence of the wardrobe and it being an entrance to Avalonia is a nod to "The Chronicles of Narnia" book series. I make no profit from this endeavor.

~ * ~ 
 
Camelot:
 
“This has to stop,” Arthur declared. He was reluctant to even voice the words. It was honestly the last words he ever wanted to say to Merlin. But it was the right thing to do -- no matter how painful it was. “I can’t do this to Gwen. I’m going to marry her in a week and I can’t keep doing this with you. I need to be faithful to her.”
 
Merlin lay beside him on the bed, his gaze remaining rooted to the ceiling. He didn’t look at Arthur once. Not even a glance.
 
“Merlin, you know I hate this as much as you do, but I need to marry. And I need to show to everyone that I am a faithful sovereign – not just to my people, but to my wife. I want us to stay friends. You are my head advisor after all. I still highly value your input, Merlin. I still need you.”
 
Merlin didn’t say anything. He just let out a sigh and appeared content at observing the view above him.
 
“Merlin? Just please say something!” Arthur demanded, nearly pleading with him.
 
Arthur cupped Merlin’s chin and gently directed his head toward him.
 
Merlin’s gaze was sad but resigned as well. “I understand,” he said quietly.
 
Though to Arthur, it sounded like he was forcing out the words he believed Arthur would want to hear, but not what Merlin truly wished to say.
 
“Merlin…” Arthur began.
 
Merlin gave him a small smile. He moved one hand to Arthur’s cheek, his long fingers caressing his face. He bent his head to leave a soft kiss on Arthur’s lips. “I’ll do anything I can to help you. We both know how much you need my counsel,” he lightly teased him.
 
Arthur frowned, expressing mock affront at Merlin’s jibe. “You know you’ll have to pay for that now.”
 
Merlin only grinned at him, unafraid, as Arthur advanced on him. No punishment was as enjoyable as this one.
 
~ * ~
 
One week later, Arthur married Gwen. While Merlin’s expression was one of polite happiness for the union; Arthur could see through the lies.
 
Of course Arthur did. He was feeling the same sense of loss as Merlin was.
 
Whatever they had, they just had to accept that it had come to an end. They had to move on and leave the past behind them.
 
~ * ~
 
There was a fairy tale, an intriguing story told over the centuries.
 
Merlin was reincarnated over and over again while there was no sign of Arthur.
 
After Arthur’s death at Camlann, Merlin lived on for a few more centuries. Wizards say it had to do with the strength of his magic that made him live for so long.
 
Occupying himself after losing Arthur, Merlin established the modern, protected Wizarding World for those of magic kin. He also advised the Hogwarts Founders as the four undertook the endeavor of founding the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. In every incarnation henceforth, Merlin continued to assist the beloved world he had created. He was regarded as a spiritual leader for the world of magic.
 
Upon his death in his original, pre-reincarnated life; those of magic could feel the loss distinctly. Some believed that this was reincarnation magic at work.
 
Everyone anticipated the day that the great wizard, the founder of the Wizarding World, would return.
 
As Merlin was reborn again and again, wizards waited with bated breath to see if the fairy tale, that fantastical story was true.
 
That one day, an incarnation of Merlin would be born who would have no fear of Death. And his eyes would glow white when his magic would awaken.
 
On Christmas Day 1957, that incarnation was born. His name was Merlin Nathan Young, and was called either by his first or middle name. His middle name helped to remind him of his individuality.
 
While he was still Merlin, sometimes it was nice to remember that he was still different in each life despite the growing collection of memories of past lives. The most important of which was, of course, those memories of Camelot. But each incarnation still held on to the idea of their distinctiveness, their sense of self independent of the memories. Hence, the use of middle names.
 
In 1977, the life of Merlin’s current incarnation took a startling turn.
 
He was struck by lightning and gained immortality. Two years later, he discovered just how ironic his surname was in this life.
 
No one foresaw that this incarnation of Merlin would end up coinciding with Arthur’s return.
 
~ * ~
 
Arthur was first reborn in 1982.
 
~ * ~
 
Twenty Years Later (2002):
 
Merlin’s conversation on the phone was interrupted by a young woman. She had suddenly appeared before him. “Nathan, Arthur’s here. He’s waiting outside this room,” she announced.
 
Her eyes were blue and her hair was of a dark color that contrasted strikingly against her pale complexion and light eyes.
 
But she was not without her oddness. The woman flickered like a ghost, but she was not gray and dull-looking like one. Her red 16^th century gown, with golden embroidery on its bodice, was as vibrant as when she had lived. If she hadn’t been transparent, then she could have been mistaken for a living human being. With a white diamond and ruby necklace completing her look, she had the appearance of a princess or lady of high standing. An indisputably pretty one at that.
 
She was unable to quite hide the amused look on her face when she witnessed the typically overemotional sugar pot hop off of the round table, leaving a trail of white sugar behind it.
 
Merlin looked startled as if he couldn’t quite believe what the woman had told him. But then he shook it off and he nodded. Placing his hand over the mouthpiece of the phone, he said to her, “Thanks, Artemis.”
 
After finishing the call, Merlin hung up the phone, setting it back on the hook. He swung his legs off of the circular table. He frowned at the sugar pot now on the floor.
 
“I may have had you for years, but I can still replace you. I could stick a dragon design on any old--” He paused when he saw the pot wave a tiny white flag in surrender.
 
Artemis looked about ready to laugh. Merlin grinned at her. “Of course, of all things, the sugar pot would misbehave,” he remarked.
 
In a conciliatory gesture, the pot shifted forward and began returning the spilled sugar by spoon into the pot.
 
Once the pot had recovered most of the sugar, Merlin took the pot in hand and set it back on the table.
 
He rolled up the sleeves of his white dress shirt to his elbows. Artemis could see Merlin’s uneasiness by the way his hands shook slightly. But one would never know just by the well-practiced look of composure on his face. Of course, Artemis knew him all too well to see past the illusion. She had watched him grow up after all.
 
Procuring a cigarette, Merlin lit it up with his magic. His green eyes glowed an almost blinding white as a light formed at one end of his smoke.
 
“First time I’ve seen him since he’s been reincarnated. I can’t believe it. I’ve waited life after life…and now Arthur’s back,” Merlin said disbelievingly.
 
Artemis agreed with him. “I remember missing him. By my lifetime, I had given up hope that he’d ever be reincarnated. But then I spent so much time trying to prove myself to the wizarding world. That left little time for me to miss him. Sometimes I feel that I pushed myself too hard.”
 
“You know you were brilliant. You still are. Cleverer than me even. You’re more than worthy to be Merlin. The wizarding world loved you then and they love you even now,” Merlin assured her easily.
 
Artemis gave him a small smile in gratitude. “Shall I let Arthur in?”
 
Merlin adjusted his grey tie reflexively. He puffed on his cigarette.
 
“Yes,” Merlin permitted her.
 
She admonished him, “You shouldn’t smoke, Nathan. Eat some chocolate like that Toblerone you enjoy so much. Maybe that’ll keep you from smoking while you talk with Arthur.”
 
Merlin shrugged. “All right,” he said unconcernedly.
 
He killed the smoke by stabbing it in the ash tray on the table. He conjured a fruit and nut Toblerone bar.
 
Mildly exasperated, Artemis shook her head at him. Merlin just bit off a piece of chocolate, and began eating contentedly.
 
She left to retrieve Arthur.
 
~ * ~
 
“Hi,” Arthur said a bit uncertainly.
 
Artemis, the woman who had brought him into the study, sat down across from Merlin at the table. She procured a book to read, setting it down on the table to look at it more comfortably. But Arthur could feel her eyes on him, and he did not doubt that she was taking careful note of the interaction between him and Merlin.
 
This was the first time he was seeing Merlin since Camelot. He didn’t know what to say. Discovering just how much Merlin had accomplished in all his lives was a lot to process. Then there was this palace, the Crystal Palace, which Merlin had called home since he had first built it in his first reincarnated life. To think how many memories this palace had after all those centuries, all those incarnations – it was unimaginable.
 
He had only remembered his past life as King Arthur a mere two months ago, weeks after his 20^th birthday. Arthur wasn’t sure if he was doing all too soon. That he should have given himself more time to come to grips with his new situation. But then Merlin, or Merlin as he went by in this particular life, had contacted him not long ago, and Arthur couldn’t decline. This was Merlin, of all people, and Arthur wanted, needed to see him again.
 
He didn’t care about the changes – even if, yes, discovering that Artemis was a 16^th century incarnation of Merlin, the first female Merlin to ever be born, was rather disconcerting.
 
But surely all incarnations of Merlin were still him when all was said and done. He was still that man he knew back in the time of Camelot – no matter what form he was born into. They still had those memories of life at Camelot. That’s what counted.
 
At the very least, Merlin didn’t look drastically different from the Merlin he had known. He had dark hair, though it was curly, and his eyes were still a light color, but they were green instead of blue.
 
They had spoken over the phone before then, and Arthur recalled being startled to hear him speak with an Irish accent. But that was how things went with undergoing reincarnation many times -- all those chances for variation. Being only on his first incarnation, Arthur couldn’t quite comprehend the thought, but he had to learn to accept it. Who knew – maybe he would be reincarnated more than once like Merlin.
 
Putting down his bar of chocolate on the table, Merlin stood up. He noted, “It’s good to see you again. It’s felt like forever for me.”
 
“Nearly was. All those centuries,” Artemis commented, turning a page of her book as she spoke.
 
“It’s surreal seeing you again, but I’m glad I am,” Arthur remarked sincerely.
 
Merlin embraced him. Arthur could feel how thin Merlin’s incarnation was – even more than in the days of Camelot, which was certainly saying something. What was Merlin? A vegetarian or lactose intolerant? Or maybe he was just one of those people who had a fast metabolism.
 
To Arthur’s surprise, Merlin pulled away a little too suddenly. Arthur looked at him, confused, but Merlin made no acknowledgment of his own abrupt action. His eyes flashed white and a chair magically moved toward Arthur.
 
“You could sit down if you want,” Merlin offered as he practically collapsed into his own chair.
 
Arthur sat down. “Thanks. So what’s it like being immortal and always looking like you’re 22?” He asked. “It sounds like it could get boring after a while.”
 
Merlin shrugged. “If one more person tells me how ironic it is after learning my surname is ‘Young’, I may have to give myself a new last name. But that’ll upset my mum, so it’ll be a tough decision,” He remarked. Then he added, “Being immortal is nice though. Some believe I have a death wish because of it, but it’s not like I try to get myself into trouble,” he said with a sly smile betraying that he meant the opposite.
 
Arthur raised his eyebrow at him.
 
Biting into his chocolate bar, Merlin changed the subject. “Anyway, your mother’s a Squib, right?”
 
Arthur nodded. “Magic does seem to follow me around one way or another,” he said resignedly.
 
“Well, you were borne of magic in your original life – your mother having magical ancestry in this life isn’t too far of a stretch,” Merlin reasoned. “I’m assuming you don’t have magic then?”
 
Arthur raised his eyebrow. “Of course not. I don’t know how my mother was a Squib in the first place. That’s more than enough magic for me. She married a normal person…”
 
“A Muggle you mean,” Merlin interjected.
 
“Yes, a Muggle,” Arthur said, sounding as if saying the word left a bad taste on his mouth. Merlin flashed him a grin. Arthur rolled his eyes. He continued, “My father wasn’t too happy about my mum’s magical background even if she herself wasn’t exactly a witch. They divorced when I was young. I’ve been living with my mum ever since. Well, now I go to university, so I have a flat closer to school.”
 
“I admit I’m surprised about your father’s views. Shocked,” Merlin stated, looking amused.
 
“Shut up. Yes, apparently some things never change. Anyway it’s old news now. I don’t like talking about it. I rather we focus on you.”
 
“Because I’m just so fascinating,” Merlin quipped with a grin.
 
Arthur stared at him, clearly looking like he was thinking the very opposite. Purposefully, he directed his attention toward Artemis. “So is an echo like a ghost, Artemis?”
 
“Sort of, yes. We can be solid again if we focus hard enough, but it takes some energy to do that,” she told him.
 
“Echoes are copies of my past incarnations – excluding my original self because I hadn’t developed the echoes spell until my first reincarnated life -- at different points in their lives. They, like Artemis here, come into being upon their death,” Merlin explained.
 
“So that’s not the only echo of Artemis?”
 
“We alternate every so often. Don’t worry,” Artemis reassured him briskly. “We echoes usually remain invisible. I’m sure it’s jarring for you.”
 
“Artemis helps me out with things,” Merlin said. “She’s much better organized than me. Sad but true.”
 
Artemis rolled her eyes at him.
 
“Merlin, maybe Arthur’d like to see the first incarnation?” She brought up.
 
Arthur turned to her sharply. “You mean when you were first reincarnated?”
 
Merlin was the one who answered him. He quickly shot the idea down. “Yes, but he won’t be who you’re expecting. The only echo of him that is visible the most is a child. And he’s rather shy. He’s only comfortable around us, future incarnations of him…”
 
But Arthur interrupted him. “I don’t care,” he said decidedly.
 
If he was given the chance to see Merlin in his first incarnation, in the same place Arthur found himself in now, then he would take it. “I still want to see him. Does he have a different name?”
 
“No. It’s Merlyn…but with a ‘y’ instead of an ‘i’.”
 
“But you still say it in the same way?” Arthur wanted to make sure.
 
“No,” Merlin said plainly. “It’s kind of a pain to pronounce correctly. You may need to practice. The echo of Merlyn gets touchy if you say his name wrong.”
 
Artemis took her book and lightly whacked Merlin on the head with it. “Oh, be quiet. Don’t listen to Nathan. He thinks he’s being funny.”
 
“Ow! That hurt,” Merlin remarked, though he was smiling as he rubbed the back of his head.
 
Arthur stared at the both of them. “All right, well, can I see him?”
 
“Sure,” Merlin agreed, standing up.
 
Artemis said that she had some business to take care of and that they go on without her.
 
~ * ~
 
They walked down the corridor. The ceiling showed a blue sky with clouds streaming along it as if they were outside.
 
“So when did you remember in your first incarnation? Was it always early?” Arthur wondered.
 
Merlin nodded. “You’re lucky that you remembered later. When I was Merlyn, I was only five when I first remembered. All my lives after that time, I continued to remember around the same time…when I was five, give or take a few years.”
 
“That’s really young,” Arthur noted.
 
Merlin grimaced. He didn’t seem too happy about it. “Exactly. Irritating too. Some memories just shouldn’t be in a child’s mind, but that’s the way it worked for me. I couldn’t control when my memories would return to me unfortunately, little more than you can.”
 
They turned a corner and Arthur was taken aback when this hallway appeared to be missing a wall. Instead, what looked outer space, with stars, the Milky Way, and planets off in distance covered the vicinity where normally a wall should have been.
 
Merlin smiled at Arthur’s surprise at the unexpected sight. “It’s just an illusion. One of my past incarnations, Edmund, did that particular design. I was a bit of a dreamer back then,” he confided in him, a nostalgic tone to his voice. “Each incarnation always has a hand in the design of the Crystal Palace. Things are changed on a whim sometimes.”
 
“Well, you’ve certainly kept busy,” Arthur remarked. “I have to admit it does look realistic. Like I would fall into space if I get too close to it.”
 
“That was the general idea,” Merlin said smartly, sounding proud of his accomplishment.
 
“So it is true then that when you were first reincarnated, wizards brought you and your mother to your old home where you lived later on in your original life? It’s built on the foundations of the palace, right?”
 
Merlin’s eyes widened almost comically. “You’ve been reading up on me?”
 
Arthur shot him a look of reproach. “Yes, Merlin. It was the natural thing to do.”
 
Merlin looked amused. “Well, you have it right. My poor mum back when I was first reincarnated – she didn’t know what to expect regarding the look of the house when she woke up everyday. Even when I was very young in my first incarnation, I managed to channel my magic into expanding the house and changing its structure as well. Of course, no one was really surprised when I turned out to be a talented artist in that initial incarnation. It’s a bit of an art form, to know how to structure and design things in the most visually pleasing way…something like that,” Merlin trailed off, shrugging.
 
“Of course it’d only be you to control your magic so well at a young age. Only serves to soothe your ego, I bet,” Arthur quipped.
 
“Ah, look who’s talking,” Merlin retorted with a friendly smile.
 
Arthur rolled his eyes. “Back to the arrogant prat bit?” He asked him.
 
“I’ll spare you from that. For a little while at least,” Merlin teased him.
 
Arthur was about to give a reply, when he was interrupted by one of the magical portraits. The portrait was, of course, on the side of the hallway that actually had a wall and not an illusion of outer space.
 
The portrait was of a young blond man who was sitting at a grand piano. Instead of the usual black suit seen on pianists, the man was wearing a pale grey suit complete with matching tie, which had white shooting stars on it. He had a lean frame and bright blue eyes. His eyes had the appearance that they could look into your soul. Arthur found himself being a bit uncomfortable looking directly into Caspian’s eyes.
 
“Hello, Arthur,” the man greeted him.
 
“That would be Caspian, the incarnation who directly preceded me,” Merlin informed Arthur. “Known for being the only blond incarnation of me and for his talent at the piano. Also, for being a charmer.”
 
Arthur could understand the ‘charmer’ bit as admittedly, Caspian was undeniably handsome and had a charismatic quality about him.
 
“I wasn’t. I was only being polite,” Caspian countered, but he sounded like he didn’t really mean it.
 
Merlin and his past self exchanged a secret look that had Arthur somewhat intrigued.
 
“He’s just being modest,” Merlin remarked.
 
“You could do with some of that,” Caspian commented lightly.
 
“Been working on it. Don’t worry,” Merlin retorted with a grin.
 
Caspian gave a resigned sigh, smiling slightly as he spoke to Arthur, “It’s good to see you back, Arthur.”
 
“Thank you,” Arthur answered him.
 
Caspian nodded at him and then he returned his attention to peering at the sheet music in front of him. He could soon be heard playing the piano, and Arthur could hear what sounded like Chopin being played. The melody grew fainter as he and Merlin reached the end of the corridor.
 
Arthur asked Merlin if all the magic and power had gone to his head, and in response, Merlin shoved his shoulder in mock offense. The two of them couldn’t help laughing after that.
 
~ * ~
 
The echo of Merlin’s first incarnation was in one of the rooms along another hallway. This hallway had golden stylistic dragons walking casually on the corridor walls. It was as if the dragons were moving bits of decoration. Merlin informed him that when he had been Artemis, he or she, really, had made that particular decorative touch.
 
Merlin told Arthur that this room used to be Merlyn’s bedroom when he had been alive centuries ago.
 
An impressive painting of the castle at Camelot was on the wall behind a big bed. The white comforter of the bed had a golden and silver shooting star design on it. The design was almost mesmerizing and admittedly nice-looking instead of overdone and tacky, at least in Arthur’s opinion.
 
Merlyn looked to be about ten or eleven years of age. He was lying on his stomach on the carpeted floor. A big portrait of an old, white haired man sitting in a chair was hung right in front of him.
 
The sleeping man in the picture was wearing deep blue robes with golden stripes on each side. At his neck, he wore a golden necklace with a Merlin falcon and dragon pendant. The wing tips of each creature touched to make a circle. The dragon’s wings pointed downward and the falcon’s wings rose upward from below the dragon.
 
Arthur could see the man’s chest rising and falling slowly. An open book lay on his lap, the pages of the text fluttered back and forth as if a gentle wind was nearby. Arthur assumed that the portrait was one of those moving magical portraits his mum had told him about. He had a feeling that the man was hardly ever awake.
 
Merlyn was drawing in a spiraled sketchbook he had laid out. The echo looked up every so often at the portrait, his brow furrowed in thought.
 
“Is that a portrait of Merlin? The one I knew back in Camelot?” Arthur asked.
 
Merlin nodded solemnly. “He’s always sleeping – for centuries now anyway. The only period of time that the portrait was awake was during my first incarnation as Merlyn. I was able to converse with him all the time. But the Merlin in the portrait fell asleep the day I died as Merlyn. Maybe it was because I only truly needed him during my first incarnation before the echoes spell had taken effect. Having that support system in place for all my future lives allowed the portrait to catch a break or a long snooze. However you see it.”
 
“Do you miss it? Talking to him?” Arthur asked.
 
Merlin shrugged. “I’ve mostly got used to it. There’s little else I can do.”
 
“Why do you need the echoes? Is it because I wasn’t around?”
 
Merlin looked a little uncomfortable before he said, “Well, partially because of that…and well, the more incarnations I go through, the more memories I have to deal with. I feel less alone when I know my past selves are still here in some form to help. No one but me understands all that I’ve gone through. Having this contact with my past selves in their echo forms is like a lifesaver on the Titanic,” he compared.
 
“Did you just compare yourself to the Titanic?” Arthur asked him in disbelief.
 
“Yes, I think I did. Not a half-bad comparison in my opinion,” Merlin commented. “And now that you’ve finally been reborn, things are even better,” he finished cheerfully.
 
He grinned at Arthur.
 
“Who is that, Merlin?” Merlyn inquired curiously. He was on his feet now, his sketchbook left on the ground.
 
Arthur had been about to ask Merlin why this echo of Merlin didn’t recognize him, but he was distracted by the colour of Merlyn’s eyes.
 
They were purple, actually purple. Not violet like some people might have, but honest to goodness purple. The effect was rather startling against the echo’s pale skin and dark hair.
 
The echo noticed Arthur’s surprise. “Yes, my eyes are purple,” Merlyn said resignedly. “Who are you? I assume you know who I am if Nathan’s with you.”
 
Merlin looked like he wanted to be anywhere but there at that moment. “Merlyn, this is Arthur.”
 
“Oh all right. Nice to meet you, Arthur,” Merlyn said courteously, but with a hint of arrogance in his tone, as if he was trying to make up for the fact that he looked like a child, but had the memories of a full past life.
 
Merlyn’s hand solidified and Arthur was able to shake his hand without feeling like he was trying to touch a ghost.
 
“It’s good to meet you too,” Arthur said, confusion still swirling inside him.
 
“Like I told you before, when I was Merlyn, I remembered at the age of five. But this echo of Merlyn here had a little memory reorganization. He got tired of waiting for you to be reborn, so he suppressed any memories of you, placing them deep inside of him. The main thing he holds on to is the importance of looking after his future selves, all the incarnations that followed him. He has strong prophetic abilities, you see, which can be helpful. A side effect of his artistic talent. Sometimes artists can see things that others can’t…” Merlin said thoughtfully.
 
Arthur wasn’t too happy to hear that Merlyn had forgotten about him. Then again, Merlin had tried to warn him earlier that Merlyn wasn’t going to be who he expected.
 
Merlyn returned to his non-corporeal echo form. He didn’t appear to be bothered by Merlin talking about him like he wasn’t there.
 
“I’m sorry,” Merlyn said to Arthur, his words honest. His purple eyes darkened in shade slightly as he appeared truly contrite.
 
“No, you have nothing to be sorry for,” Arthur assured him.
 
Why should he be mad at an incarnation of Merlin who had grown impatient and decided to do something about it? In the end, it was a very human reaction from him…Arthur would’ve grown weary as well if he had been in Merlyn’s position.
 
“Would you like to see some of my work?” Merlyn offered.
 
“It’s worth seeing. They’re amazing,” Merlin told him.
 
Arthur shrugged. “All right.”
 
Merlyn led him to a round table in his room. There was quite a collection of drawings, or more like portraits, of Merlin in his various incarnations.
 
Arthur could only imagine how many drawings Merlyn had done during his time as an echo… it had been centuries since his lifetime, and the fact that he saw all his future selves growing up in the palace was emphasized by the repertoire of completed artwork.
 
One piece was of Artemis when she was a young girl of maybe 12. She was at a desk, writing a letter. The 16^th century date in one corner proved that this wasn’t an echo of her, but a moment during her lifetime. Wearing a silk blue dress with silvery fabric around the middle, she was pretty even as a young girl. She had a pensive, composed look about her.
 
Another picture was of Caspian holding a baby with dark hair. He was seated in a high-backed chair, which had a dark wooden dragon styled along the top of it.
 
A window with raindrops caught on it, indicating it had been raining at the time, was to the right of them. 
 
“That’s me he’s holding,” Merlin told him. “As my preceding incarnation, we have a bit of a closer bond than with the others. It’s the same way with my other incarnations…like between Edmund and Artemis… Edmund came before her.”
 
“Interesting system all of you have worked out. It’s not weird at all,” Arthur mused, lightly teasing.
 
Merlin didn’t appear offended, understanding Arthur’s uncertainty. “Yeah, I know it’s a little odd to anyone else, but it works.”
 
“It’s nice. I like it,” Merlyn mused.
 
The last picture that caught Arthur’s eye was of Merlin when he was younger, about 14. He was sitting backwards in a chair, the chair’s back in front of him, and he was grinning almost goofily.
 
An echo of Artemis as a young girl, about the same age as in the other portrait, was sitting cross-legged in front of him. She smiled warmly. An open book lay in front of Artemis.
 
“Not long after my 14^th birthday,” Merlin told Arthur.
 
“These are really good. I’m not an art expert, but I’m impressed,” Arthur remarked.
 
Merlyn’s echo smiled, pleased at the compliment.
 
“Of course they’re brilliant,” Merlin said with pride in his voice. “I’ll have you know that I’ve had quite a few master artists, from the wizarding world of course, come in to look at them. They said that the work produced is noteworthy. And I checked, they weren’t just saying that to flatter me.”
 
Arthur rolled his eyes.
 
Soon after, they left Merlyn’s room, the echo returning to his position in front of the old Merlin’s portrait.
 
Arthur asked Merlin if Merlyn’s echo could still communicate with the sleeping portrait. He had looked up at the portrait almost as if he had expected an actual response.
 
Merlin admitted that he wasn’t too sure about that. Merlyn didn’t confirm or deny that the portrait woke up in his presence. Though Merlyn did admit that he found comfort in being near the portrait of his past self. The whole matter was mysterious, and Merlin felt it best to keep it that way. It was Merlyn’s choice, in the end, whether or not he wanted to confess the truth.
 
 
~ * ~
 
They returned to the study and Arthur knew what he wanted to discuss now.
 
But Merlin seemed to realize what they would talk about. And Arthur was puzzled by his reluctant, uneasy demeanor.
 
Once they were both seated at the table, Arthur ventured, “Merlin, I want us to have a second chance. It has been lifetimes for you, I know, since Camelot, since I married Gwen. Compared to you, it feels like it was only yesterday for me. I wish we could have been together then, but now…we can have that chance. I want to do this right.”
 
Merlin cleared his throat. He shook his head, his eyes looking down as if he couldn’t bear to look Arthur in the eye now.
 
But a moment later, he had mustered up the courage and he looked up. His green eyes had Arthur’s blue so locked on to them, that Arthur didn’t dare blink in case he missed something.
 
“Don’t get me wrong, Arthur. I want the same thing too. So badly, through all my lifetimes, it was always on my mind. But now…Arthur,” Merlin paused, unable to continue.
 
“What is it? What’s wrong?” Arthur prodded, concerned and curious to know the answer at the same time.
 
“You know, I wish I could tell you I had some sort of life-threatening disease and I don’t have long to live. But since you know I’m immortal, that won’t work,” Merlin joked weakly.
 
Arthur raised his eyebrow at him. He reached out his hand to place it over Merlin’s own.
 
Unlike when Merlin had pulled away from him earlier during their embrace, he let Arthur touch him.
 
“I’m sure, Arthur. I tried so hard, but…”
 
“Just say it. Whatever it is, I can take it,” Arthur reassured him. He couldn’t think of what Merlin was so anxious about telling him.
 
Merlin took a deep breath, letting it out after a moment. He said quietly, “I’m straight, Arthur, in this life now… That doesn’t mean I love you any less, but I can’t… I went to gay bars to make absolutely sure. And I didn’t feel anything,” He almost exclaimed hopelessly. “I’m not—I wish that I was bi at least, but I’m not. It’s only women…I don’t feel sexually attracted to men. I don’t know how else to put it. I’m sorry,” Merlin apologized to him.
 
Arthur didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t been expecting any incarnation of Merlin to be straight. It had been the last obstacle Arthur had been expecting. But what if he was the exception? Merlin and him…they were stronger than this. Surely if they tried, actually tried, then Merlin’s issue wouldn’t be an issue anymore.
 
“What if we tried to do this…maybe I’ll be the exception,” Arthur suggested.
 
Merlin slipped his hand out of Arthur’s grasp. “I get what you’re thinking, but I don’t know if I can. I don’t want to see the look of disappointment in your eyes if it doesn’t work out. That’s why I pulled out of that hug in case it turned into something more. I just – it’s always been us, Arthur and Merlin. Can’t we just be friends? We don’t need to have all that we had before. We were friends, close friends… shouldn’t that be enough? I still love you, Arthur. So much. I just…I still want to see you,” he said almost earnestly.
 
“I should go. I need to think about it…” Arthur decided.
 
“All right, go,” Merlin said with a resigned sigh.
 
“I wasn’t expecting this,” Arthur said for lack of anything better to say. He felt like he was reaching for words.
 
“It’s fine. Go live your life. I don’t need to see you again. I have the wizarding world to look after. I won’t have time for you,” Merlin said to him almost coldly, a stoic mask in place.
 
Arthur left with a heavy heart.
 
~ * ~
 
A week later, on his way back to his flat, Arthur encountered a primly dressed little girl with white-blonde hair and striking blue eyes. She had white nail polish on her fingernails with little red hearts painted in the middle.
 
“Would you like an elixir, Sir?” The girl asked him politely, holding out a vial to him.
 
Immediately, Arthur didn’t trust her. Something was off about her and where were the girl’s parents anyway? A girl that young shouldn’t be wandering about alone.
 
“What sort of an elixir?” Arthur asked, deciding to just humor her for a bit.
 
“It’s a love potion. It really works too. You look like you might need it…for someone special,” she said to him conspiratorially.
 
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Arthur denied firmly.
 
He didn’t want to think about his cold parting with Merlin’s current incarnation.
 
“I only want to help you,” The girl said earnestly in a sweet voice. “I’m sure whoever you have your heart set on, he or she will appreciate it. You seem like a good man, Sir.”
 
Arthur was about to refuse her again, but something in her eyes made him change his mind. What if…maybe this would work. If Merlin drank the potion, then the problem would be resolved.
 
They would truly be able to have that second chance that Arthur yearned for.
 
“I’ll take it,” Arthur told her.
 
She gave the vial of potion to him, free of charge.
 
When he turned his back on her, he didn’t see the evil look on her face.
 
Or, that in a secluded spot, the blonde girl returned to her true form.
 
Now donned in a black, hooded cloak; Morgana smiled, pleased, that she was still quite talented at manipulation.
 
~ * ~
 
Arthur delayed seeing Merlin again. Another week had passed and his hands shook every time he thought of a plan to slip him the love potion.
 
Then one night, he dreamed. Though it was more recalling an old memory than anything else.
 
Back in Camelot, Merlin had intimated how horrible love potions were. Arthur had seen it firsthand. A squire had brought in a man into the Court Physician’s chambers for treatment. The man appeared half-mad, calling, yelling, for the woman who was his beloved. Or, really, she was a conniving woman who had managed to dose him with a love potion. A particularly strong one too because of the powerful magic within it.
 
Merlin had been consulted on the matter as the love potion was magical in nature. Weary, Merlin had despaired to Arthur that he didn’t think he could cure the man. All the possible cures he could come up with would prove ineffectual.
 
The potion was far too strong, and grimly, he had to accept that the poor man may never be of sound mind again. He would be under the deep spell of the love potion for the rest of his life.
 
Blessedly, the man died in his sleep not long afterwards, his heart giving out. The intensity of his feelings hadn’t allowed him to relax, no matter what Merlin or the Court Physician tried.
 
Then, Arthur’s dream shifted to a high-vaulted room in the Crystal Palace, he presumed.
 
He could tell that by the echoes of Caspian, Merlyn and Artemis being there.
 
Merlyn, who was about 11, was the only one sitting on a throne. Two other thrones bookended Merlyn’s. Artemis and Caspian looked to be in their early twenties, the same age Arthur had previously seen them as. Though, this was the first time seeing Caspian as an echo versus a portrait of him.
 
Artemis, and then Caspian kneeled before Merlyn, who looked grim. After that, the both of them sat down in the empty thrones on either side of him.
 
Arthur found himself standing before the three echoes of Merlin. He was unnerved that he couldn’t move his legs. He was rooted to the spot. He could only look at them, his arms stiffly at his sides.
 
Caspian and Artemis both looked upset. Arthur felt like they were both judging him. And Merlyn seemed like he wanted to hurt him.
 
“I should have Seen what you were planning,” Merlyn spoke first. “We, especially Nathan, should not have trusted you.”
 
“What?” Arthur wondered.
 
“How dare you do that?” Caspian accused of him. “You sneaked him the love elixir and now Nathan’s lost his mind. The wizarding world can’t have a Merlin who has lost his good sense!” Caspian exclaimed.
 
“I was just--” Arthur tried to explain.
 
But Caspian interrupted him, “No, your apologies mean nothing. You don’t understand. He’s immortal. There can be no more incarnations after Nathan…he’s the only Merlin the wizarding world will have from now on. And there’s no way to cure him. Even death will not reverse the effects. The potion was far too strong,” he informed him, sounding all together frustrated.
 
“We can only figure out how to have him die permanently, to end his suffering. But since Nathan is the last of us, all echoes will fade away. We will become no more than stories, Arthur,” Artemis told him quietly. “Without a living incarnation of one of us, or the promise of one, then we will have no reason to stay, no reason to still exist. We thrive on the presence of a living incarnation. It makes us stronger.”
 
“You should have accepted him for who he was,” Caspian advised him. “It was foolish of you to take such desperate measures. All for nothing because he will be so singularly focused on you that even you will grow tired of his madness. Have you not read Arthurian legend? What made us stronger together, king and advisor, was our friendship, our love for one another. And you should know by now that love comes in many forms. You don’t need to have sex with him, for fuck’s sake!” Caspian swore at him.
 
Arthur woke up abruptly, the shock of Caspian’s stern reprimand jarring him awake.
 
He was horrified at what could happen to Merlin if he would go through with the dosing.
 
He couldn’t do it. It had been a selfish idea. He wouldn’t just lose Merlin’s current incarnation…his actions would lead the wizarding world to be without Merlin as their spiritual leader. He had to accept Merlin. That was the right thing to do. He had said he loved Arthur all the same. Did it truly matter in the end that Merlin might not have a sexual attraction to him?
 
Arthur and Merlin – they were supposed to be legends. They were destined to be together. The immortal prophecy could not be diminished if they weren’t together in the most intimate of ways. Their love could survive this.
 
So he retrieved the vial, and to make it more satisfying, Arthur threw it against the wall. The glass vial shattered and the purple liquid splattered on the wall and pooled on the floor below.
 
~ * ~
 
When Arthur next went to see Merlin, he learned from Artemis that Merlin was feeling ill. Arthur was worried for a moment that maybe he had come and slipped him the potion after all. But Artemis said that it was simply a normal illness, that Merlin would feel better soon.
 
Arthur asked to see Merlin because he wanted to apologize to him for how he took the news of his sexual orientation.
 
Artemis appeared understanding, realizing that Arthur only needed some time to come to terms with that fact.
 
Arthur was shown to Merlin’s bedroom. He had to admit that the room was quite a sight to see. It was as big, if not bigger, than Arthur’s own chambers back in the days of Camelot.
 
The ceiling held an image of the sky, but the sky took on the colors of a sunrise – light red, gold and purple. Tall, rectangular windows alternated with round windows along the opposite wall from the door.
 
There were also moving portraits on the wall. One picture included a boy, who Artemis told him was Edmund, her preceding incarnation. In the portrait, Edmund was sitting in a chair and reading a book upside down. 
 
In the center of the room, there was a big round table with chairs circling it. The table had a stylishly designed dragon decorating its top, and Arthur almost swore that the dragon’s fire breath was real fire. A small oval table was before the grand fireplace, two cozy looking cushioned chairs on either side of the table.
 
The fireplace, ironically enough, had a dancing water sprite amidst the flames. The sprite was made of clear water, but instead of dousing the fire, the water-composed sprite didn't dampen the fire's strength. It was most likely a magical illusion. 
 
Off in the corner, there was a beautifully carved dark wardrobe with a sign hanging off one of its knobs. The sign said:
 
“Entrance to Avalonia
 
Edmund, you are not allowed to mess with this wardrobe. I mean it this time.”
 
Arthur looked over at the portrait of Edmund. The brown-eyed boy peered at him over his book, and he winked at him. Dreamer and mischief maker, Arthur bet of this past incarnation of Merlin. He could only imagine how the Crystal Palace was like during Edmund’s lifetime. Far from a serious atmosphere at the very least.
 
He sobered when he saw Merlin, too pale and sickly-looking, lying in his big bed. Artemis sat down in a chair by Merlin’s bedside. She pressed her now solidified hand on his brow, feeling for fever. 
 
Merlin was awake though. He blinked, confused, when he saw Arthur.
 
“You’re here?” Merlin wondered out loud. He sounded surprised. “Awful timing, Arthur. I’m a germ factory now,” he pointed out to him.
 
Still standing, Arthur felt awkward as Artemis murmured something to Merlin. He whispered back to her.
 
“I’m sorry, Merlin. I want to make this work, no matter if you’re straight. I don’t care. It wasn’t right of me that I did care before… it shouldn’t matter--” Arthur said firmly.
 
“Merlyn foresaw that you might do something to harm me,” Merlin brought up, speaking slowly as if he couldn’t believe it himself.
 
“I wouldn’t do that,” Arthur began.
 
He was momentarily startled that Merlyn had predicted potential trouble. He knew Merlyn had those strong prophetic abilities, but he had thought the dream or nightmare, more like, would be the end of the reminder of what Arthur could have inflicted on Merlin.
 
Arthur started again, “I promise you that I would never hurt you. You’ve been waiting lifetimes for me to reborn, and I want us to have that chance to spend time together. You deserve that. Best make the most of the life we’ve been given, right?”
 
Merlin smiled at him. “That’s the best thing I’ve heard all day,” he remarked. Then he went into a coughing fit.
 
Artemis handed him a drink, keeping it in her steady hand as Merlin’s hands looked shaky and unsure. Merlin drank from the glass, trying not to drink too fast. He took a pill that Artemis gave him and he swallowed it. His coughing subsided.
 
The echo of Artemis moved to lay a gentle kiss on Merlin’s brow. She offered Arthur her seat, which he took. She remained in the room.
 
Artemis informed Arthur that it was normal procedure. If the living incarnation was ill, then at least one echo would stay to keep watch in case any visitors had questionable intentions.
 
Arthur decided it didn’t matter in the end. Artemis was still Merlin after all. Although the echoes were still a new idea to Arthur, so he needed more time to get fully used to them.
 
But how could he be against them if they helped to make Merlin’s incarnations not as lonely?
 
“Can I--?” Arthur asked softly, a bit uncertain. He leaned toward Merlin, resting one hand on Merlin’s cheek.
 
“I’m sick… I don’t want to give you anything,” Merlin said anxiously.
 
“I don’t mind,” Arthur assured him firmly. “You’re okay with this?” he ventured then, to double-check. “Considering, well…”
 
“I missed you,” Merlin only said in a wistful voice.
 
Arthur took that as a yes, and he pressed his lips to Merlin’s. Merlin returned the kiss, a light pressure, but still Arthur was motivated by it.
 
Then the portrait of Edmund cried out, “For goodness sake! There are children here. My eyes!”
 
Edmund started laughing after that, finding the whole thing rather funny. Artemis frowned at him.
 
Merlin couldn’t resist laughing either. Arthur could feel how his chest shook with it. “Sorry about that. Edmund’s Edmund,” he said, shaking his head wryly. “Welcome to my mad world,” Merlin told him with a mischievous smile. His green eyes twinkled.
 
Arthur shrugged. “I think I’ll get used to it. If I can you know…kiss you one more time,” he asked of him tentatively.
 
“You can,” Merlin told him easily.
 
“I think Arthur should visit more often,” the portrait of Edmund told Artemis. Then he continued to peruse his upside down book.
 
Arthur smiled against Merlin’s mouth. He remembered how much he loved Merlin, back in Camelot, and now in his present incarnation.
 
And yes, their love transcended time, and was beyond sexual intimacy, though that was a nice bonus.
 
Arthur and Merlin. The king and his advisor. They were legend. Destiny guided them and their love kept them together. Love of a different kind, Arthur decided.
 
Maybe it wasn’t an obstacle after all, but just a different road to take. He would make the most of his life now. He wouldn’t abandon Merlin like he had when he’d married Gwen back in the days of Camelot. Despite that past decision, Arthur’s heart had remained with Merlin. If there was one thing he was sure of, it was of that. 
 
~ * ~

Artemis (Merlin's first female incarnation) just for a visual: